Archive for August, 2008

 

Welcome to my Flower Chamber

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

There is a matriarchal tribe in China called the Masuo. They don’t believe in marriage and having babies in a relationship. They believe in flower chambers and love and desire. These women choose who gets invited to their flower chambers and who will give them their baby seed. They raise their children with the males in their immediate families and there is no need to either settle or settle down with anyone for any indefinite amount of time.

If I wasn’t before, I am now totally into cultural diversity. What a healthy outlook. Why limit yourself and stunt your spiritual growth by having to constantly work around the needs of another. Selfish, perhaps, but definitely healthy. Simple rules, simple pleasures and realistic expectations.

I have waited a long time for things in our relationship to get back to normal post baby. But, when normal has shifted, how long does one have to wait to find it again. When everything has changed, how does one ever go back to being the same?

Perhaps our individual priorities have shifted in such a way that we will never be the same individually and, therefore, never the same together.

Love on the merry-go-round

Tuesday, August 12th, 2008

“I’d have more children if I didn’t have a husband”, says a mother of four.

This may be because there is just not enough love to go around … after all, when you run out of love … Who do you love more? The man you have been with—seemingly for an eternity—who has ‘gotten used to you’ or the child who has just rocked up in your life and ‘needs you more than you will ever know’.

This tiny little human who has stolen its mother’s every waking moment, and every last drop of effort and energy usurps your husband’s position and deprives him of a little bit of your love.

It transpires that something’s gotta give when there just ain’t enough love to go around. In my case, the fairground attraction ended when my husband, used to a high dose of merry-go-round, had to make do with the swings. Back and forth didn’t do it for him; he went tummy-butterfly cold turkey and ditched the fair completely.

Aaaaanyway, fair or not, he suffered without his full dose, dished out a fair amount of rejection and lost a fair amount of passion in the deal. The baby ended up getting all the love for a while … and the husband is only just managing to function on his reduced dosage.

Kick the dog

Monday, August 11th, 2008

Almost three years later I still haven’t gotten used to being pulled in so many directions. I like to think that mothers of more than one child treat all their children as one collective rather than separate people pulling her in different directions … mainly, I think, because I can’t even imagine having to deal with another human being wanting my attention.

And then the dog starts whining because he wants a walk and all I can think of doing is kicking the damn animal over the garden fence.

Life comes with no guarantees

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

The eternal debate about whether or not to have a second is almost over. I sit and wait and look at my husband’s cute fluffy bottom peeking out of the hospital gown that only has three small bows at the back. He is embarrassed but that’s to be expected; he doesn’t, after all, have need to wear a dress all that often … especially not one that reveals his bottom.

Yes, he is having the snip. My extreme body piercing has been removed to open up the energy flow and allow my body to function ‘how it should’ … although, after 20 years of hormones and IUDs, I have little idea how that should be. I will no longer be responsible for pregnancy prevention. Wow, that feels good! Seven months have slipped by so stealthily since this discussion hit our radar … seven months of no intimacy compounded on top of all the months prior when my cervical body piercing was threatening to pierce my uterine walls as well and the pain was … hmm … it just was. But it was seven months ago when sterilization was considered as an alternative and I was determined it should be me to go this route since I was 36 at the time which means my use-by date is almost up and my husband is capable of procreating well into his 60s – he swears this is not his wish but I don’t want to be the one to stand in the way when my shelf life expires. So he has cryogenically frozen his sperm in the event that the procedure is not reversible and he now has a back-up plan for when he meets his second wife.

It’s perhaps less the liberal and more the new cynical me at play here … or maybe just the pragmatist in me.

Person to person

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

In case my last post caused people to wonder about my ability to actually be a parent, I am surprisingly a really good one. Perhaps not from a traditionally maternal perspective but definitely from the
perspective of perfectionism. Everything by the book … and then some. I love my child to the point of obsession and that may not make me the perfect mother but it’s a good start. I nurture him just enough,
discipline him, and ensure that he has all the tools to help him grow into an intelligent, pragmatic (well, the fact that he’s a Virgo may help there), well-balanced man. He is not mine. He is a perfect little person who has chosen to come to me and I am going to do my best to ensure he gets everything he needs … from an adult perspective.

Scathing sceptic

Tuesday, August 5th, 2008

I always believed I was the proverbial optimist … one of those rare breed that believe everything is wonderful unless proven otherwise. I have proven myself horribly wrong. It seems I cannot believe that anyone would actually enjoy … I mean enjoy to the point of elation … this terribly common thing called parenting. When told by a woman I met through one of those dreadful classes that I am loathe to call ‘moms and tots’, that having a second has been absolutely wonderful and that she is loving it so much … well, I balked. Honestly, she must surely be hiding something … a dark secret that involves all those awful things I imagined doing to my child when he was such a tiny baby.

I can’t help but wonder how people can be so overtly happy about being a mother. Happy fathers I can understand to a point – they are, after all, relatively removed from the drama and mayhem (and I mean this from a purely emotional perspective).

I’m not convinced.

never underestimate those Little Differences

Monday, August 4th, 2008

You read all the books and you are warned that you shouldn’t take everything to heart because every child is different. What they fail to tell you, however, is that every parent is different too. You shouldn’t just be monitoring those little differences in your child but also your own very different responses to every need your child may have.

Relationships left adrift

Friday, August 1st, 2008

Call it the self-righteous attitude … and I have no doubt it has a little something to do with it … but just when you think things are settling back to normal, you realise that the friendship dynamics have gone all screwy. People’s need to procreate excludes them almost completely from regular social contact. And I don’t mean only the actual act of procreation which, in itself, takes that time and effort which no one (in their right mind) is (or ever should be) loathe to give when the circumstances are right (be it fruit-bearing or not … if you know what I mean). I mean the 2.4 children syndrome—yes, syndrome!—that causes families to retreat into their … well, families … and leave little room for friendships. I have most likely mentioned this before because it has a huge effect on me and mine. I am one of four children and never did that prevent my parents from interacting with numerous other families on a regular basis so we could interact and socialise. They didn’t have so many children as an excuse not to do this … what I mean is that they didn’t have subsequent children to provide playmates for previous offspring. (Eish, this is called talking myself into ever decreasing spirals.) More to the point, and what I am really trying to say, is that, as the mother of an only child, I wish people would be happier letting their kids out to play with friends than procreating siblings as a way of creating an insular family that has no need for others. Perhaps knowing my child would always be an only has prompted me to promote in him an independence when it comes to heading off to play with whoever he chooses. I can’t, obviously, speak for others and their reasons for all these quirks that come out of such a natural human condition … but I’m pretty sure whoever came up with 2.4 should be audited.