Archive for 2009

 

Speaking of choices …

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

Something that keeps coming up amongst my peers is the decision to work full time or not. I know what it feels like on the inside – believe me I have been there, desperate to have more of everything good, terrified of giving up anything in case I need it later and paranoid about not being able to provide for the future. But, looking in now from the outside, I have so much faith in the process of a holistic lifestyle. I can’t consume what I don’t have and can’t waste what I don’t have. My choices are more limited but my enjoyment of life totally unrestricted. There is a calmness as though life is slower, more meaningful and less inhibited than before. It seems the more one has, the higher and nearer we place the boundaries … and when you have less, there is no end to the potential you can achieve.

I was chatting to a friend (you know, the ones we non-working mums meet up with for play dates) about ambition and success. Her father-in-law had a simple life and a regular 9-5 job, put all his children through tertiary education and was a respected and loved man. Compared to a man in a powerful executive job who hardly saw his children, apart from annual family holidays, we were weighing up the benchmarks of success. I’m sure if there were a vote the outcome would be more or less equal based on the perspective of the person voting. As for my vote … it’s pretty obvious what it would be – success means nothing unless it has a positive impact on the significant people in that person’s life. What’s the point otherwise? If the choice boils down to a simple education thing, is it better to be able to afford to put your child through ’varsity or is it better to see him and help nurture him before then so he is better able to put himself through ’varsity? My child is still little so I choose to see him – I might, however, change my mind when he becomes a teenager :) I see so many parents torn between their need to see their children and their neurosis about their nest egg and recently a lot of people have lost their nest egg despite their choice to grow that instead of their children. Obviously there are people who don’t have the choice and have to be a double-income family. But if no one’s going to die if things are downscaled, then surely the choice is a simple one. This isn’t a judgement of people who want more as I totally get it – I get ambition and the freedom money can buy – I just need to make the point that all choices come with compromise and it’s best to be certain you can live with whatever that compromise may be.

Sure it’s always going to be scary – what important choice is ever not scary? – but it’s a matter of going to the edge and taking the leap of faith to see if flight is possible. There would be no reason to live if it weren’t for the challenges in life – after all, it is the challenges that make life what it is in the first place.

I don’t know anyone so far who hasn’t jumped first and then made the choice to fly.

Sibling survival

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

Everyone likes company from time to time and the easiest way to get it is from a sibling … often yet certainly not always the case. But this is no reason to keep breeding. Survival instincts just change for a child who is destined to be on his own. An only child can play with whomever he likes, wherever he likes, whenever he likes … and doesn’t have to play with anyone when he doesn’t feel like it. He is neither restricted to siblings nor forced into relationships he doesn’t want.

Children with siblings tend to remain in their comfort zone, as there is little need to look beyond that zone. Parents can make this worse by forcing friendships to form between siblings, which are often not the natural relationships, and at the same time not encourage lasting relationships outside of the family unit. I can’t help but wonder what kind of restrictions this places on the child in other areas of life later on.

People ask if my child wants a sibling. Yes, of course he does … but he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s four and people actually think he should be the one who gets to decide. I also get asked regularly why I don’t want to at least try for a little girl … little girls are a mystery; big girls are a mystery … I have three sisters so I don’t even want to go there.

I would hate to place myself as the benchmark on these issues but, having grown up in a big family, I can honestly say that it is far better to have friends scattered around the globe; friends who drift in and out of my life, as well as a potential pool of friends just waiting to be made, than siblings who feel entitled somehow to a pound of flesh for coming from the same womb. Everyone is as dysfunctional as the next person; I just like to be the one to choose which dysfunctional people I want to hang out with.

After all, there are no answers … only choices.

Privacy issues

Monday, October 19th, 2009

I grew up in a household where privacy was incredibly important, as long as it wasn’t my own. I wasn’t allowed in my parents room when they were dressing and to this day I feel intense embarrassment if I happen to walk in on either of my parents in any kind of state of undress. I was, however, never allowed to barricade my own door without threats to withhold stuff I wanted unless I let my parents into my own private space. I felt violated.

My child is only four now but I find myself hitting up against hurdles at various stages of his development … as well as my own personal development. There was a stage around his second birthday that I decided he could no longer bath with me. I realised, relatively quickly, this angst for what it was and we were back having family bath times soon afterwards. Walking around naked; skinny dipping in summer; morning snuggles, even if my husband and I don’t have our pyjamas on … all things that are really perfectly normal.

There are boundaries, of course, as there are in almost everything to do with ā€˜bringing up baby’, but I am slowly learning to allow my child to take the lead. Instead of closing the door on him to get my privacy, I have taught him how to close his own door when he needs private time. That way, he will hopefully respect the times he is required to knock before entering our bedroom on those occasions when boundaries cannot be crossed and when he’s a teenager he will know that closing his bedroom door is a passport to a little sanctuary of his own.

BLOG ACTION DAY: Climate Change

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

I was thinking about this and wondering how to incorporate this topic into a baby blog … until it became totally clear when speaking to my father about recycling and the use of chemical fertilisers. He said that in 2050 he won’t be alive and that he can basically do whatever he likes until he dies because he will not have to live through the consequences. This is a man with four children and five grandchildren.

I have a child and that brings with it tremendous responsibility to the earth as the earth will ultimately sustain my legacy. Not only is having a child a huge carbon footprint I am leaving on this earth but also a huge risk. He is already very environmentally savvy because, no matter how much money I deposit into his bank account every month, he’s not going to be able to buy himself anything if the earth is sick and people are suffering and he has to fight for his survival.

The best thing I can do, this Blog Action Day, is to send you to three separate websites which fully explain the plight of our world. They explain exactly what climate change is and the effects it will have on our future generations of children: things that include malnutrition, susceptibility to heat stroke, increased illness, lung damage and inhibited growth. Millions of children, predominantly in the developing nations, are going to be affected if money isn’t poured into climate change … not forgetting that everyone can do their bit at home rather than waiting for their government to act.

25 Million malnourished children in 2050
Diverting Aid for Climate Change Threatens Children – Oxfam says
American Academy of Pediatrics – Global Climate Change and Children’s Health

I’ll draw your attention again to the Story of Stuff (link on right) – it’s my favourite website and it points out the very basics of how everyone can do something to reduce their carbon footprint and be more aware of the impact they are having on this now fragile earth.

The apple and the tree

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

It must have a certain amount of something to do with vanity when you hear your own words come out of your child’s mouth and think how wonderful he is for saying such clever things.

This is until your sweet curly-haired and blue-eyed four-year-old instructs you to tell the cranky neighbour to just f*** off. I’d love to blame those hippy parents of his school friends for not bringing up their children properly … I’d love to but I can’t really, can I …

All I could do was tell him what a rude word it was and that it would be best if he didn’t use it in public. Now he just whispers the word in my ear when he thinks the situation we are in may warrant its use.

Siblings

Monday, October 12th, 2009

It’s fine to have an only dog … but not an only child. No one ever asks, ā€œso, when are you getting another one?ā€ when referring to a family pet. But, when it comes to children, there is a need to enquire relentlessly about a sibling for your only child. My child already understands about periods and pregnancy and started climbing into bed with me in the mornings … the way too and very early mornings! … to enquire about this question he has about getting a baby brother. I tried the argument that I had made a decision to have him only (he claimed to be lonely), then the one about there being no guarantee that I would produce a boy for him (he said he wouldn’t mind a girl either) … and then I offered him a puppy.

As luck would have it, my promiscuous first-born has been shagging the bitch up the valley and it looks like there is a litter of puppies on the way. I’ll even forego the paternity test just to keep my child happy … well, er, actually to keep myself happy … my child who now claims to like puppies just as much as a baby brother or sister. And also a child who has decided a girl dog would be best because then our dog would be able to mate with her all the time and not have to run off to see Bella all the time.

I can tell you, a dog gets a lot lonelier when on its own than a child ever gets.

Christmas is coming …

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

You probably think Christmas is a long way off but just a quick browse through any supermarket will prove that it’s time to get prepared. There is a fabulous initiative in South Africa and I’d love you to have a look at their web link below and get involved with filling and decorating a shoebox as a Christmas gift for a disadvantaged child. This not only shares the joy with someone who has little or nothing but it also teaches your child a very important lesson about the true spirit of Christmas. The deadline is quite soon so have a look and see how you can help.

Kidz2Kidz Santa Shoebox Project 2009

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

We have 2 – 3 weeks to go and a very big THANK YOU to everyone who has requested their names off the website and are in the process of preparing their Santa Shoeboxes for drop off! Thank you also for your patience with the few challenges we have had fine tuning the new system.

We are up to 5200 boxes, but still need to go another 7000!! to reach the target of 12 000 Santa Shoeboxes, which relates to 12 000 overjoyed children! Could we please appeal to all our loyal donors to spread the word further and encourage family, friends and colleagues to teach their children and everyone around them, the Joy Of Giving!

This is how we can do it. If everyone of you just gets 3 more people to each make a box – we have made it! As easy as that!

We invite you now to forward www.santashoebox.co.za to many more friends and colleagues and together we make sure not one child out of the 12 000 goes without a Santa Shoebox in 2009!
Kind regards
The Santa Shoebox Team 2009

Programming

Monday, October 5th, 2009

No one likes a crybaby … but I have rejection issues. It has taken me this long to connect the dots and realise that all the joking about my not being the boy my parents wanted after six attempts comes from serious undercurrents of … well … rejection. I suppose this is the part where I confess how I used to tell my baby – the one who looked at me with those big hopeful eyes wondering if he had made the right decision – that he had ruined my life by coming to me and that I wish he hadn’t been born.

So, it’s out, it’s shocking and I am a bad person for saying it. But now that I know where it came from, it makes me think about all those other things we do so casually as though they are perfectly normal when really they are just a product of bad programming. There are the horrific ones like beating your child and the less evils like making your child finish every last crumb on his plate. It’s all a matter of perspective because, to the person doing these things, it all seems perfectly normal … because the programming is there.

I can’t offer a cure only a suggestion to be more aware. I worked through not ever smacking my child when I was still pregnant; I’m almost there with the food thing (he is 4, after all, and fully aware whether his stomach is full or not); and I tell him every night now how glad I am that he was born. Because I am you know.

Nature/nurture

Monday, September 28th, 2009

I’m six. I am sitting in the dentist’s chair and I am that child again who hid in the waiting room, jaws firmly clenching shut, face numb. The dentist has already given me five injections and has only one left to administer before he can extract the tooth … but nothing was getting me back into that chair. My mother called in friends of mine, friends of my older siblings, adults, and even bribed with all my favourite sweets and desserts. But she eventually sighed deeply and dragged me home. That was the beginning of my bad encounters with dentists and I still have a phobia.

… or maybe I am just stubborn. I look at my child and shudder at the thought that he might turn out like me and put me through this kind of hell. And then I realise that perhaps he already is. Could I have made him like that in the short time I have had with him, or is it feasible that I had nothing to do with it apart from the genetic perspective?

Most relevant right now, it seems, is the obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I have had it since I can remember. I never knew what it was but I remember seeing it come up in all my aptitude tests and I trusted my parents to discuss with me anything that I might need more information on so as to better manage who I am. They never did. I see the same characteristics so clearly in my son and I blame myself for his being like that anyway because, whether it was nature or nurture, he is like that because of me.

One can never tell what really is nature or nurture because you can’t experiment with both simultaneously.

Cricket

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

My gorgeous little bundle of cheeks and curls, who still carries his pink-wool-haired doll around shopping centres on occasion, has turned into a sports nut. He has been exposed to sports and nature programmes on TV and as a result has formulated his attitudes around these topics. He has been going to cricket coaching since he was three – not because we are trying to turn him professional by the age of six but because he needed the outlet. He has been imitating sports professionals for as long as I can remember and can throw, bat, catch and bowl like a much older child. He even instructs me on how to hold my tennis racquet while waiting for his serve shot … which is the overhand variety. It seems so early and so crazy and totally age-inappropriate, yet it fits so perfectly with who he is.

You can’t have your cake and eat it

Monday, September 7th, 2009

A new friend is a friend out of our connection over the lack of any real need to have children. I am known to her boyfriend as the evil one as he is determined to have kids (to the point of dumping her if it doesn’t happen). I suppose it is unfair of me to try and dissuade her as there are things that can be done to pre-empt any of the crap that enters your relationship when having a baby. There are practical tricks and tactics that can be deployed.

For example:
discussing expectations of parenthood;
defining a budget for things such as a night nurse;
planning logistics around routine and responsibilities;
looking at the potential need to move in order to accommodate a child;
balancing work and social commitments and sacrifices;
counselling sessions before even trying to fall pregnant.

You can’t have it all. We want it all – I suppose that is normal … what makes us human. But having something always comes at the cost of giving up something else. And perhaps that should be fine. Having a baby costs. We can’t expect to keep everything of what we were before having a baby … and have the baby too.

Pride vs. Modesty

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

How do you teach your child about modesty? Yeah, yeah, I know he’s only three … but I’m obsessive compulsive and therefore have to feel great pain over trivial things on a daily basis. My need to be the perfect mother … or is that my need to have the perfect child? Whatever! My need is getting in the way of a happy marriage … according to the other person who is the target of my obsession. Or perhaps it’s because he is not enough of a target anymore now that there is a child to dilute my anal perfectionism. But, since that has absolutely nothing to do with the title, more to the point now.

I have noticed that everything my child has is better than anything any other child has … according to him only, that is. I blame myself … of course (see opening paragraph!) … mainly, I suppose, because I try and teach him to be proud of what he has. And somewhere along the line, the boundaries got blurred. Combine the pride and the blurred boundaries with his confidence and here is a child who will approach anyone and tell them about all the things he has. And, I have to admit, there is a certain smugness there.

Precocious was a swear word when I was growing up … not that I have any problem with swear words or anything, but I feel the need to use this particular one now when referring to my child. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to be now that children can actually be both heard as well as seen. But that still leaves me with a gap where the modesty lesson should follow.

Long-term memory

Friday, August 7th, 2009
Long-term memory
I was speaking to a woman with grown children and she can still remember working and studying while bringing up her youngest … and still not being able to cope with the fact that she had to go to a business dinner with her husband and had no idea what she was going to talk about.
I thought these were the memories that faded with time, but evidently I will always be filled with dread when thinking of those times I felt I couldn’t string a sentence together and my sentences trailed off midway because I was bored with what I was saying and felt so sorry for my audience of one. I would read the Economist to my newborn babe in the hopes that I would absorb just a few sentences of intelligent information … just a snippet that would clear out a bit of mindless nappy and singsong and storybook fug.

I was speaking to a woman with grown children and she can still remember working and studying while bringing up her youngest … and still not being able to cope with the fact that she had to go to a business dinner with her husband and had no idea what she was going to talk about.

I thought these were the memories that faded with time, but evidently I will always be filled with dread when thinking of those times I felt I couldn’t string a sentence together and my sentences trailed off midway because I was bored with what I was saying and felt so sorry for my audience of one. I would read the Economist to my newborn babe in the hopes that I would absorb just a few sentences of intelligent information … just a snippet that would clear out a bit of mindless nappy and singsong and storybook fug.

Breaking down the baby barrier – Part 2

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

There’s this thing where people don’t invite childless friends to their children’s birthday parties (one unwittingly excluded while on fertility treatment for the umpteenth time!) and the person who brought this up with me was a childless friend who has never RSVPed to my child’s party invitations. I thought she was rude or just disinterested in children and, therefore, above the need to attend any event where the short people outnumber the tall ones. Turns out she gave her phone away and didn’t get any of the invites. I let it slide because of my own insecurity; the one that has turned into a little voice in my head telling me that I am different now that I have a child; and I kinda understood how she might be averse to attending such events … after all it is only recently that I have given up my need to drink copious amounts of champagne at children’s parties, despite the fact that most are held mid-morning.

Breaking down the baby barrier

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

I know now why all those ex friends and acquaintances kept encouraging me to do the child thing … they just wanted to be able to be my friend again. I used to find it shallow that they couldn’t be friends because I hadn’t given birth … like they were part of some secret club and I didn’t know the password. But I have found myself guilty of a similar thing lately – I have been befriending people I haven’t seen in years because they have since had a child. Once you have had the identity crisis that having a baby brings, it is just so much less intimidating being around people who just may be on the same wavelength as you are.

I find myself trying to play it safe, play down the parent thing, when out with childless couples. I feel boring talking about my child and wonder why it is any less boring than a friend talking about their job … but that’s how it is; it’s my new reality.

The biggest problem … and this is quite huge … is when you don’t like your friends’ children or your friends don’t like yours! There’s also that thing when people become their children. I’m guilty of it … as is every parent I know … you have to get through the invisible shield that holds all the child-related angst and bullterrier-like protectiveness before you can get to and engage with the real me.