Let’s take a break from children and talk about friends …the adult variety. I got all flaky on myself this weekend and threw a copy of Psychologies into my shopping trolley. I read it cover to cover and found it quite disturbing that I have reached the age that I can devour a self-discovery magazine with as much relish as I once poured over Hello. The article that got my attention though, was not the one on saving my relationship but the one on breaking up friendships.
When you have a child, the dynamics of friendship change completely … as does your relationship with your partner and yourself … But that’s not really what I want to talk about here, mainly because I inadvertently brought a child into the article.
I want to talk about a great friend of mine. Well, she used to be a great friend of mine until she discarded me and made me question myself and the reasons she felt I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be her friend anymore. What I discovered was that it had nothing to do with who I am and everything to do with what I did. I changed the dynamics of our relationship.
Our friendship I thought was based on a strong bond that revolved around common goals, interests and the fact that we had similar aged children (there I go again). We were somehow always there for each other and discussed problems over tea, coffee, sushi, anything going, almost every week. What I only realised once the friendship was over and she claimed she needed to create some space in her life was that all the problems we had discussed were hers.
And the reason the friendship ended? Well, it was my fault entirely. I asked her advice one day about a big problem in my life. I changed the dynamics of the friendship and broke our contract. I made it about me and that wasn’t the deal.
No related posts.
I’m still struggling to understand why I was dumped by a good friend. Instead of discussing it, she seems to prefer pretending I’m not dumped – but as we live in different cities it’s easy for her to maintain an absence in my life. She simply does not make contact. I’d rather be dumped upfront, I guess.
I had one friend who attacked the fact that I now have a child, needless to say, there was a difference of opinion!
Margot, my friend also just stopped making contact or responding to messages. I had to confront her to get dumped upfront. It was kak but definitely better afterwards ‘cos then I knew where I stood with her. She claimed she was just creating some space … ironic really when her problems sucked me dry for so long and it should have been me who required some space.
Lol, imsonotablogger, that is SO weird! I think sometimes friends just have to mourn the fact that they no longer have you as the same person you were … there are just ways to do it that don’t involve total death of the friendship.
Absolutely! Friendships, if they’re worth their name, should survive our developmental stages and evolve with us. I am a great fan of endurance and lifelong connection so I really struggle with someone who at Varsity/during a McJob overseas told me we’d always be in each other’s llives somehow and thenjust fizzle out. If you’re going to leave, leave with a bang not a whimper, that’s what I say!
Things are so much simpler with kids – they just say: “I don’t want to be your friend anymore”, and move on … then everyone knows where they stand
Yes, kids def see the more simple side of life!