“Just make the decision to stay, and that’s that!” she says through puckered lips. I always find it amazing how someone of five foot can look down her nose so effectively.
I am in Durban at the moment. I ran ‘home to mummy’ to escape the stress of a tricky separation. Most people who know the relationship I have with my mother think that decision justifies a few months in a mental institution … and I might just be heading that way. What I was hoping for, and what seemed a few weeks ago like a very real opportunity, was the chance of using a truly shitty situation to heal the extremely tense and volatile relationship I have with my family. My friends may have a point though. In only one day, she went from being supportive to self-righteous and I feel like being a rebellious teenager and shaving off my hair. My child is all for it. Of course my husband thinks it’s about him. But my mother is too wrapped up in the fact that another daughter (the third) is getting divorced that she doesn’t care about my motives; all the wants is for me to martyr myself rather than risk the shame this will bring upon her. After a few days I realised that she would rather just ignore it, choosing not to speak about it lest something is not about her.
My child has already picked up on the volatility of this relationship. He was playing in the bath with a water pistol and he sprayed the ceiling … and the curtains and the wall and the floor. He froze, looked at me with his huge blue eyes and asked, “Are you going to get into trouble now, Mum?” Perceptive.
But the fact that I have chosen to spend five weeks in a household I spent 19 years of my life trying to get out of and the next 19 years of my life trying to heal from gives you some indication how bad the alternative is right now.
You can have a mother but if she isn’t there for you emotionally, then you may as well not have one at all. And I suppose the same could apply to all your relationships.
No related posts.
Too sad Penny. I am so sorry you have not got the support you had hoped for. Thinking of you.
my friend put me on to your blog. I am trying to rebuild my marriage after infidelity (I know!) but I totally hear you with regards to moms. When I casually mentioned in passing that I have been suicidal my mom said I must open up to her more. What so you can tell me to forgive, forget and sweep under the carpet? our mom’s generation are crazy martyrs! WTF is up with that?
I hope you’re still reading my blog and finding a few answers. I have written a few posts about mother stuff and guilt and having to keep sweeping stuff under the carpet … You can only live your truth if you live with your hands open to the sky. Nothing is defined until we assign our own meaning to it and that is something only you can do. I hope this finds you in a better space one year on – I know I have come full circle since back then by returning to simplicity in life and letting go of stuff a lot easier …