My mother asked me what my next move would be. She was referring to the next step in the process of taking myself and my child through a divorce after my husband’s decision to fight for our marriage was followed swiftly by amnesia.
“To go for a run,” I replied.
On the brink of something so huge, I can no longer think in terms of years, months or weeks … sometimes even a day ahead is a stretch … so I think as far as the next few hours, and the only steps I can think of are small … and usually involve running. It ties up quite nicely with my intention to run a full marathon before the age of forty, a milestone that is fast approaching and one that I intend to reach in clichéd fabulousness. It means I can take all these next steps in a positive strength-gaining manner and achieve something solid when everything around me is tumbling down.
Or is it?
There is something to be said about rights of passage, something that begs the question on the outset: Is this really necessary? As it is with climbing mountains, the view from the top always surpasses the obscured view at base camp and the feeling of getting to the other side shifts all previous protestations into cries of, “That was so worth it!” So why are some mountains so damn difficult to climb? Is it because of the baggage we’re dragging … or the people?
Adapt or die. Is that the thing it boils down to? It’s taken me five years to adapt to life back in South Africa; five years to find my way to the life path I was searching for during the money-spinning days of London’s investment world; five years to turn my world on its head and redefine my life and who I am. Adapting to save a marriage would be devolving … it would be like both adapting and dying simultaneously.
I embarked on a spiritual journey just over a year ago. It is not a conventional journey but one that has led me to make choices such as giving up alcohol, caffeine and certain foods. Peer pressure aside, it has been relatively easy because I have come out with a greater sense of clarity, a strong, healthy body and energy I so desperately need to summit the next peak, baggage in tow. The feeling that I have gained from this journey has made my decision relatively simple. Not easy – never easy – just simple. I have realised if someone can choose a house, a bedroom, the TV, a bag of crisps and a pint of beer ahead of a marriage, then not choosing those things to the detriment of the marriage should also be acceptable.
But then in divorce no one is right. I desperately wish it wasn’t over but I am doing what I am being pushed to do – I am forking off down the road less travelled where my pioneering skills will lead me to a place of no mountains for a while. Or perhaps I will just have to go climb a real one.
No related posts.
Pen, I think it is grossly unfair and simply in bad taste that you are taking this whole thing public. But if you insist on doing so, at least try and do so in a balanced fashion. Because you see if i didn’t know any better, the way you describe things in your blog makes it sound as if you are apportioning blame and pointing the finger in any direction but at yourself.
Thanks for the input Mike but I wouldn’t change going public for anything. My writing is truthful and protects people as much as possible. I don’t make false accusations and I don’t embellish … apart from where I can add humour, especially when it uplifts a particularly crappy situation. I don’t make excuses for who I am and if I can put stuff in a book I can put it in a blog. Shameless? Perhaps. But if sharing is to my own detriment, it’s my own risk to take. Sometimes it’s difficult for people to hear the truth and that’s why I don’t reveal everything. My blog is a forum for comments and opinions and you are free to air your views but be careful not to judge when you are not in possession of the balanced truth – this post gives minor detail of a very large issue and to defend myself against your judgement would only diminish what I am going through. All I am doing is sharing. And by the way, I am never above taking blame for anything … just waiting for someone to assign some.
I think I should just clarify for the record here that I am not choosing to not fight but to give up fighting for this after several years of already doing so.