I joined the gym two weeks ago and have been going for two hours a day ever since. I clearly look like the new psycho-nutter gym bunny and there’s a man who quizzes me every time I go on why I’m working so hard. “Two Oceans?” he wants to know. “Comrades?”
“No,” I said, “Vipassana.”

It’s the name of my latest challenge – my metaphorical mountain – and I leave today. I’ve had a large beer, a couple of ouzos, a chocolate binge, greasy food and my final gym session … not all of them this morning … and I’m now as ready as I’ll ever be to go into silence and meditation for a long ten days. No music, no reading, no writing, no mind-altering substances of any kind, no sexual misconduct, practically no food and definitely – absolutely! – NO talking … which obviously means no mobile phones either which, in fact, get confiscated on arrival. The discipline for the duration of the course follows a strict routine of morning bell at 4am followed by mediation sessions and lessons throughout the day, ending with compulsory lights out at 9.30pm – no objection considering the list of banned activities. People have been known to jump the fence to escape. But, like a friend of mine said, fence jumping is ok, it’s the fence sitting that’s intolerable. Another friend’s great advice was to make sure I didn’t leave anything on the fence when I jump it. Such faith.

“So what’s the point?” the man at the gym wants to know. “What do you hope to achieve?” “What’s your desired outcome?” “Nothing,” I respond, “absolutely nothing.” He’s not happy with this answer but it’s the truth; I can’t make something up just so he can make sense of it … as tempting as it is to stem his flow of questions. I choose instead to reposition the headphones in my ears and turn the volume up, shrugging when I see his lips move.

Expectation, after all, always taints the outcome. It sets you up for disappointment. There’s no success or failure on this course and just the process of doing it is an opportunity to be with a personal process that will evolve over time. If you were to press me, however, I would probably say it’s like rehab for talking. And, like everything I intuitively plan to do, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I have come to a crossroads of self-expression … I have seen with my third eye what I desire and I have opened my throat chakra and allowed my heart to flow out. The expectation gene made an appearance though and the gremlins shut me down. Yes, perfect timing. I have a chance now to contemplate what it means. Or maybe I have a chance now to just let it all go. A chance to disconnect from my words and reconnect with my body.

I tend to find passages in books at appropriate times and this morning’s reading brought the following to my attention:

“In silence, inner listening forms the bonding of heart and mind. Listening is an essential part of communication. In taking the time to be quiet, we are able to truly listen to ourselves. The chatter of the mind eventually dies down and the song of the heart pours forth. In this opening into silence, the upper and lower chakras can enter into resonance with each other, connecting mind and body.”

As I pack, I realise how little I will miss the phone, the email, the talking … but! as a grazer, it’s the lack of food that makes me most nervous. I’m sneaking a bag of almonds into my bag … think the sniffer dogs will find it? I might find the discipline when I get there not to eat them but they’re my safety blanket. Often you just want something because you can’t have it but if you can just satisfy your mind that your needs are being met, you often realise you don’t need them anymore.

If you hear from me before the 28th of November chances are I needed to jump the fence …