Posts Tagged ‘advice’

 

Frenemy

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Let’s take a break from children and talk about friends …the adult variety. I got all flaky on myself this weekend and threw a copy of Psychologies into my shopping trolley. I read it cover to cover and found it quite disturbing that I have reached the age that I can devour a self-discovery magazine with as much relish as I once poured over Hello. The article that got my attention though, was not the one on saving my relationship but the one on breaking up friendships.

When you have a child, the dynamics of friendship change completely … as does your relationship with your partner and yourself … But that’s not really what I want to talk about here, mainly because I inadvertently brought a child into the article.

I want to talk about a great friend of mine. Well, she used to be a great friend of mine until she discarded me and made me question myself and the reasons she felt I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be her friend anymore. What I discovered was that it had nothing to do with who I am and everything to do with what I did. I changed the dynamics of our relationship.

Our friendship I thought was based on a strong bond that revolved around common goals, interests and the fact that we had similar aged children (there I go again). We were somehow always there for each other and discussed problems over tea, coffee, sushi, anything going, almost every week. What I only realised once the friendship was over and she claimed she needed to create some space in her life was that all the problems we had discussed were hers.

And the reason the friendship ended? Well, it was my fault entirely. I asked her advice one day about a big problem in my life. I changed the dynamics of the friendship and broke our contract. I made it about me and that wasn’t the deal.

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The two Janes

Friday, July 31st, 2009

Pseudonym or real name? … not important. These women brought me up unwittingly while paying me to help bring up their own children … when I was barely over being one myself.

Later when I was pondering the huge decision of whether or not to have a child, the first person I asked was one of the Janes. She never tried to convince me one way or the other, merely told me that having a child would allow me access to a different part of life – like studying part time or getting a new job or moving house or country. All these things have the same effect on your life: they make you adjust to something new.

The same Jane gave me some very useful ‘no nonsense’ tips on bringing up baby:

If you need to go to the toilet or have a shower, your child will survive your absence

A child can’t die from crying

A child will not starve itself … i.e. if it hasn’t drunk exactly 300mls of milk, it’s because it doesn’t need it

You can’t look after your child if you don’t look after yourself

Turns out she wasn’t much help once baby was born. Maybe she thought I was all grown up and ready to tackle life on my own finally.

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The perspective of knowledge

Monday, October 13th, 2008

I was accused recently of not knowing anything about bringing up kids … by my mother-in-law no less. I think this has less to do with my lack of knowledge than my lack of enthusiastically asking advice from her on a regular basis. I have had an affinity with children since I was one myself, I have worked with children and I have studied developmental psychology. Where there have been any gaps in my knowledge … and I freely admit there have been plenty … I have filled a lot at my child’s clinic – TLC in Hout Bay to be exact – where I have sponged up as much knowledge as possible while keeping my head down and pretending not to be a mum. The rest have been filled by the ubiquitous books on childcare as well as the wonderful world of the web which is, if not holistic, an informed substitute for the village all children – and parents – need to grow up healthy. My favourite website is Dr Greene the best book I have found is Steve Biddulph’s Raising Boys.

With the gift of all this access to information, you have the choice to read as little or as much into the advice given. You have to pick what suits you and stick to it because consistency is the master challenge. Gina Ford was invaluable when I had a baby but I am glad to be rid of her – she just proved to be too severe for an obsessive compulsive personality … but then that was my doing, not hers.

It’s got nothing to do with how much you know really – you can never know enough when it comes to raising kids – but how willing and able you are to look beyond the normal available channels for information and insight into this common yet mysterious dilemma we all face of how best to bring up baby.

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never underestimate those Little Differences

Monday, August 4th, 2008

You read all the books and you are warned that you shouldn’t take everything to heart because every child is different. What they fail to tell you, however, is that every parent is different too. You shouldn’t just be monitoring those little differences in your child but also your own very different responses to every need your child may have.

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From Self-loathing to Self-righteous

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

Sure, I don’t know it all … but what I do know I feel should be shouted from the rooftops and spray-painted on the sides of buses. As women in the work place, we are confident to give our opinion, even wallow in our knowledge – after all, our work is something we are very close to and we can, therefore, tell everyone that we are good at what we do and best they trust and take our advice. The Suffragettes paved a very significant way for us, only for us to be paralysed by fear of judgment when we speak of things we (yes, I am going to say it), as women, are most qualified to know. I’ve put my theories (and a few hand-picked from other qualified parties) into practice, I have got the results I knew I’d get, I have already done a fabulous job and even my son knows this … yet I am gagged. It’s unjust that, in this forum, I am not allowed to gloat a little about my abilities. Self-righteous … perhaps. But when you weigh up the options, why the hell not?

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Know-it-all-mum

Friday, February 29th, 2008

People don’t see what you’re doing well as what you’re doing well … they see it as what they aren’t doing well enough

Having studied Developmental Psychology, I always had wonderful (so I thought) snippets of useful (so I thought) theoretical information for those friends in maternal crisis. Not being a mum though, I was always knocked back by the just-wait-until-you-have-a-baby-of-your-own-then-you-will-understand! retort to all of my good (so I thought) advice. So, being a veteran of withstanding this comment, it stands to reason that, having had a baby of my own, I would have the practical back-up experience to offer up advice when a friend-in-maternal-need is having a crisis.

With other mums, there is no reason, no logic and no rational thinking in general. You cease to be the know-it-all and become the know-it-all-mum.

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Join the Collective

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

Every parent likes to believe that their child is unique and that what works for someone else’s child won’t work for theirs. This has nothing to do with individuality and everything to do with pride. Parents don’t like to admit that they are doing anything wrong or that there is anything that can be improved on using another parent’s advice or experience.

But most children are exactly the same. They all need sleep, milk, love and a clean nappy. They all crawl then walk, chatter then talk, eat mush and then solids, and they all get a full head of teeth as some stage before they are classified as toddlers. The only thing that differs (and ever so slightly) is when exactly they do all this … and whether or not the parent can make it through the first year.

And most mothers are exactly the same. They all enthuse about their children, talk about how wonderful the latest childcare manual is and how well they are coping with their method of childrearing. You can join in, discuss the joys of motherhood and exchange baby food recipes (smile and nod; smile and nod), or you can bitch and moan about the horror of it all and weed out the imposters.

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The Nazi and The Rabbi

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007

Deepak Chopra and Gina Ford – you figure out who’s who … All I can say is that when you are truly out to lunch emotionally and you don’t know which way to swing, you buy both the books and hope to find middle ground.

But hoping to find middle ground between these two is … er … hopeful. There is no middle ground. And I like Deepak, I really do, and I like his principles, I really do. But when you are forced to do whatever you have to in order to cope … there’s no question but to go with Gina … and stick with her through thick and thin. ‘To the point of Obsession?’ I hear you ask. Yes, to the point of Obsession.

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‘So, are you having a second?’

Monday, August 20th, 2007

Since the moment I went public with my pregnancy, people have been asking about the ‘next one’. I endured the baby question through nine years of marriage and genuinely hoped that, through falling pregnant, people would consider my duty done and let me be. It’s just not that simple. People feel a sense of duty around the need to procreate to the point that one person’s advice was, ‘Just don’t think about it, just do it.’ Helpful? I think not. Perfect strangers will ask how old my son is and immediately offer advice on how far apart I should have my children to birth methods for the next.

I feel a great sense of relief when I chance upon someone who is stopping at one.  A kindred spirit for no other reason than that their desire to have only one translates into a willingness to expand their social boundaries. People who have a second, third (and sometimes fourth), because they feel their first needs a friend or because their first is becoming too spoilt, are not only delusional (because there are no guarantees of either being resolved), but are also saying, ‘I’m not bothered with looking outside of my family unit for companionship for my offspring as they are better off getting it all from within the ‘unit’.’

I am slowly beginning to realise that this question is not meant as an affront about my abilities as a non-mother but is perhaps the only question mumsy mums can muster – the only thing they feel they have in common with me now that I have joined the ranks.

As a reader of my outwardly expressed inner thoughts, don’t take it personally if you have/want more than one … and I’ll try not to take it personally that I am expected to have/want more than one.

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