I continue to play the eternal game of hide and seek with life, searching for guidance in the lessons I learn and assigning meaning to things like Osho, who guides me to “put the memories in a box, tie it up with a bow if you have to, and then throw the box away”. So I continued with a recent theme and found someone to read my cards … a path to truth through the way others express the things about me that I am too often afraid to admit.
In a nutshell, he says I was born a person of heart and spirit but somewhere along the way, I lost my path. I can’t deny that. He says I have been guided by other people’s need for material wealth. I can’t deny that either. He warned that there are people who have designs on my heart and they know how to manipulate me through recognizing it as my weakness. Hell yeah! He says that I over psychologise stuff … Exhibit A: my blog! – certainly NO denying that! I have to find out what inspires me and get creative with it – all along I thought I was looking for a Creative Career but my cards say I’m a one hundred percent original chick and it just comes with the territory … my self-sabotage, however, does not fall into the realm of creativity, as masterful as I may be at it.
No short cuts and no real answers – the real answers, I have to find for myself. Palm readers, card readers, astrologers and sangomas are like those buffed garden service guys who I need to call in from time to time to supplement my labour. But the garden service can only do so much. It can’t tell me how to stop compromising myself for the sake of the people I love or how to stop sacrificing myself for just a whiff of somebody’s love, and it can’t tell me why I always excuse my intense emotional sensitivity rather than just find the people who can handle it without manipulating it. My heart may be weak but where my weakness lies, therein also lies my strength and until I find my spiritual path I can protect it from further hurt by choosing not to believe in the misguided hope contained in Destiny but rather in the choices that will guide me there.
My shadow side could do with some fresh air and some time in the garden about now… I can’t make peace with my feelings of anger, jealousy and fear unless I expose them to the sunlight. I can’t become detached, centred, patient and self-aware unless I plant those seeds. Spring has sprung and although the air is still cold, it is time to let go of winter.
