It’s fine to have an only dog … but not an only child. No one ever asks, “so, when are you getting another one?” when referring to a family pet. But, when it comes to children, there is a need to enquire relentlessly about a sibling for your only child. My child already understands about periods and pregnancy and started climbing into bed with me in the mornings … the way too and very early mornings! … to enquire about this question he has about getting a baby brother. I tried the argument that I had made a decision to have him only (he claimed to be lonely), then the one about there being no guarantee that I would produce a boy for him (he said he wouldn’t mind a girl either) … and then I offered him a puppy.

As luck would have it, my promiscuous first-born has been shagging the bitch up the valley and it looks like there is a litter of puppies on the way. I’ll even forego the paternity test just to keep my child happy … well, er, actually to keep myself happy … my child who now claims to like puppies just as much as a baby brother or sister. And also a child who has decided a girl dog would be best because then our dog would be able to mate with her all the time and not have to run off to see Bella all the time.

I can tell you, a dog gets a lot lonelier when on its own than a child ever gets.