I sometimes disagree with my mother-in-law because … well, just because she is my mother-in-law and weren’t they put on this earth to create a bit of conflict in an otherwise happy home environment? But sometimes I disagree with her because – despite her claiming to have been around the block often enough to know better than someone of inferior years – I’m right. Even if sometimes I battle when it comes to giving the reasons.
I got so tired of her using the words silly and stupid in reference to my child’s behaviour but, because I couldn’t give her my argument why I felt so strongly about it, I taught my child to fight back with his words until she began to find more creative ways to describe how he was behaving.
It was only after her most recent visit that the voice from deep within was allowed a hearing and I realised that not only do I resent the negative terms that were used in my own childhood but that I have an exceptionally good reason to try and wean my own child off references of this nature.
It’s simple really – it’s simply about benchmarks. Use the benchmark of stupid when speaking to your child and your child will never feel he is anything better than that i.e. when he acts intelligently, he will believe he is just a stupid child with moments of intelligence. But tell a child he is not being clever rather than he is being stupid and he will realise that he is defined by his intelligence … with moments that do not match up to his capabilities.
Posts Tagged ‘mother-in-law’
Defining benchmarks
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010Am I turning into my mother-in-law?
Friday, February 5th, 2010My husband has been diagnosed as being a ‘good boy’, a man who does things to please others regardless of how these things impact on his own life. It took years of conditioning by his mother and needless to say we don’t discuss any of this at family dinners.
Anyway … having broken the cycle of my own dysfunctional family after 20 years of hard graft, I have unwittingly picked up the dysfunction of my husband’s kin. I have single-handedly and systematically been turning my child into a ‘good boy’.
The realisation came at cricket coaching when I noticed he was watching me to gage my reactions to every ball he bowled or hit. It was because I was in a bad mood and he was trying to cheer me up. Sweet, yes. But he took it on as his responsibility, which is way beyond what a four-year-old should be thinking about when engrossed in his passion for sport.
It’s not the first time he has done it but it is the first time I have identified it for what it is and the first time I am totally aware of its dangers and my need to change it (me) as soon as possible.
