I found myself reaching for the anti-anxiety meds … a first in almost two months … and the only thing that has changed is exposure to the drug … the Love. I thought I could handle it; just the minor use of something that brings a momentary blissful high – “Just a small amount won’t harm me,” I claimed, knowing the denial to friends would aid my own delusion. But Once an Addict, always an Addict so just the One More Hit has … well, er … I stood on the edge and jumped, fully aware of what I was doing but spiralling none-the-less back into addiction.

I need to break the habit but I have always known that until I truly want to I will never really be able to … and it’s hard to sever ties to something so delicious. So my hand hovered over the blister pack and my mind wandered to the pile of Jungian books by my bedside. I opted for the medication to numb the effects of the addiction and help me sleep. But I fought sleep … knowing there was a chance I might wake up and feel well enough to toy with the danger again … I fought sleep so I could hold on to the anger for a while longer – the grim, adrenalin-fuelled emotion wedged conveniently between my heart and the thing that threatens to destroy it.

My tattoo speaks to me – Trust – my intuition to know that choosing the meds will help me skirt around my pain for now and that’s ok. The pain, when it comes, feels good. Each time I feel it, my body is forced to work at a cellular level to cure my obsession; each time I process and let go, the addiction becomes less compulsive and my body releases another hook into my pathology.

So my theme song for the day would have to be this one – the one in the title – by The Verve:
YouTube
It’s kinda depressing in its endorsement of the High but then so is the Addiction that inspires it … who really does choose to come down from that beautiful place, unless one has no choice at all?