Posts Tagged ‘roles’

 

Gender Roles

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

I recently took my child to visit his grandparents for a week. It’s always interesting hearing the things he comes up with in this completely different – often dysfunctional – environment; a setting that brings out in him a renewed confidence to speak his mind … ironic considering I tended to forget I had one when I was living there.

Sitting at the dinner table one evening, we were talking about someone we had met on a picnic, commenting on his wonderful sense of humour and eclectic flair. My father seemed out of the loop so my mother leaned in close and filled him in. “He’s gay!” she said in a whisper that made it sound criminal, her eyes flashing over to where my child was sitting.

“Pffft,” my child muttered, drawing himself up tall, folding his arms and mustering all he could of his six-year-old ego. “You do know that men can marry men and women can marry women, don’t you? Don’t you?” he demanded. I gave him the proud mum look … with a touch of amusement … then sniggered into my pumpkin risotto, waiting for a response. There was a stammering from the other side of the table … then silence … before my – much older – niece broke in with, “And men can marry women.”
“Ha!” came the reply. He smiled, relaxed and uncrossed his arms. “OB-viously!” he chuckled and continued with his dinner.

I don’t always know where he gets his information but I try not to shush him when he’s expressing himself even when it is at the expense of ‘normal’ dinnertime conversation in a house where even I am still learning how to fully express myself. I’ve learnt, though, since a recent conversation with my mother that perhaps we both need a lesson in boundaries when visiting there. There is a possibility my house will be sold and I will need to be out before Christmas. I have been telling everyone I’ll be going to Durban to stay with my folks for a while until I find somewhere to live, taking the unconditional love of my parents for granted. Prematurely it seems! My mother’s response to my suggestion was, “Haha, it’s not going to happen.” Clearly she has no trouble expressing herself … loud and clear!

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Living up to expectations

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

I always believed my husband was shredding my work. He would come home to a tired wife and child. Child whimpers and he backs down. Child asks for something reasonable and his first response is no, child insists and he says yes because it isn’t worth fighting over … reinforcing the idea that a little performance might help his case.

I used to think this was a male vs. female thing until I stayed with a friend who works and whose husband stays home and looks after the kids – this could be many people I know at the moment since it seems to be a common trend right now – and realised that in certain ways the roles are truly reversed.

It is the parent who spends less time with the child who tends to back down as soon as the child whimpers … the parent who goes to work who doesn’t force the child to do what they are perfectly capable of doing. They want to feel needed so they do whatever they can to make up for the space they have left by not being there.

I have pushed my child to live up to my … yes, often unreasonable … expectations, and my husband comes home and shreds my work. In his position though, I’d probably do exactly the same thing.

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Flexibility of my job

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

The problem with ‘working from home’ – i.e. having a ‘home office’ … which, let’s face it is only there to ground me into believing I can actually work from home – is that my work is not really respected as much as if I was at a ‘real’ office being watched over by a beady-eyed boss. If I phone my husband at work and he is busy with something, I get a curt response to my questions or need to converse … basically, I have to respect his space in the work forum and not bother him when he is meant to be spinning his hamster wheel. For me, however, it is impossible to set up any kind of routine at the ‘home office’ since when there is anything to do, besides the regular keeping the house stocked so no one starves, like getting workmen in, making calls, fetching stuff, buying hardware etc., I am expected to drop the relatively unimportant things that I am working on (relatively unimportant because it is, more often that not, unpaid work) and do what is required in my role as … as what?

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Role reversal

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

It was interesting staying with friends who have reversed roles temporarily – the woman goes to work and the man stays home to look after the children. The interesting part was not, however, the fact that the roles were reversed – this happens often and seems perfectly normal especially when circumstances dictate. What is interesting is the fact that because the man looks after the kids every afternoon during the week, he gets time out from the kids on the weekend. In my world, because I haven’t been to work all week (well, not conventional work anyway – I work for free), I have to give my husband time out and continue looking after my child.

Logically, because I have looked after him all week, it would be a relief to do something different and, because my husband has been sitting at a desk all week, surely he too would need a break from Norm – it seems like a perfect ‘opposites attract’ kind of situation where everyone would win … most of all our child who is often dad deprived.

I think it’s too much to ask, so I have to settle with adamantly insisting on tea in bed every morning of the working week – which in my case is seven days  … but I’ll settle for the five because tea in bed five mornings a week is just fine.

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Isn’t it ironic …?

Friday, May 8th, 2009

I worked to the point of obsession (me and Gina) to promote independence and a sense of self. I ensured that my child would be in bed every night be 7 p.m. so that my husband and I could have time … adult time. My child slept in his cot from day one and only slept in our bed on occasion during daytime sleeps and very rarely at night if he was too sick and we were too tired to attend to him (up and down the spiral staircase!). It’s not easy following such a strict routine but it pays off when your child responds and never gets between you in bed.

Well, that was the idea.

Despite all efforts, he came between us anyway … not physically but emotionally. He is always there. And there remain so many unspoken conversations about how we both feel in our new identities as parents. Being a parent is a vulnerable and fragile time and it is often not treated with the respect it deserves. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover, a writer, a patient, a client, a consultant, an employer, a dog owner, a Beetle driver, a shoe lover, an optimist, a runner, a breather … and so much more, I could risk running out of blog space. But when I added mother to this list, it tipped the scales, and balance is something I have been seeking ever since. I find it so difficult to switch and juggle a multi-faceted personality … but only when I am in the role as mother. My new persona takes so much from the old ones and it’s difficult enough trying to deal with those stats when you’re also playing out a guilt trip about what your new role is draining from your partner’s other personas. You whine and moan about not getting enough space when it’s just the two of you … but when there’s three, space is the one thing you could happily do without.

Does he know he’s getting between us? Of course not. I used to tell him he was ruining my life … and he developed a sense of humour. Now, I giggle with him all day and deal with the other stuff when he’s gone to bed.

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