Posts Tagged ‘sex’

 

Some toys should be locked away

Monday, February 15th, 2010

A very long time ago I was embarrassed by a child I once looked after. She was four at the time and I was nineteen and we were playing hairdressers in her room … as one does … when she told me that her daddy was in love with me but he couldn’t marry me because he was married to her mum. Guess who was standing behind me? There was a lot of awkward eye shifting and foot shuffling and mutterings before her dad walked away and the incident was never mentioned again.

My child never embarrassed me … until recently. It was my husband’s birthday party and the house was full of people – mostly the short variety. Adults and children were playing in every room of the house. It was a good day.

There are items in the house that have been forgotten about since having a child … items that I often wish weren’t forgotten but circumstances prevail and … well, these things just get forgotten. But not by the child. He had seen something that, when it came to playing cops and robbers, he knew would be a great asset to the game. He walked proudly into the room swinging the pink fur-coated handcuffs. It could have been worse … but not much, I doubt. I might have even blushed and, for once, I couldn’t blame it on champagne.

Impressionable

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

After speaking with the mother of a friend of my child’s it seems my situation is not unique. One of many daughters; a father who couldn’t deal with weakness, and an intolerant mother. Add them all up and take away any other kind of parenting role models and you have an incredible journey of self discovery that you actually don’t even have a choice but to embark upon immediately when your child is born.

It’s a big enough change not being able to stay out all night, going away on a whim, having sex all over the house and being bound by routine. Not only is it about not being selfish anymore but about changing every single thing you do and think. And that’s besides giving up your perfect boobs, six-pack and smooth thighs.

The first time your child is rude to you and you raise a hand, you have to determine in an instant if that is the way you want to define your relationship. When your child calls for you in the night, are you going to be kind or grumpy? When he falls over and (according to you) over-reacts, are you going to be tolerant and understanding? Fit the mould or break it to pieces?

Of course no journey of self-discovery is a wasted ticket. But with all the learning still to do, I have to wonder why the hell I had a baby so damn late.

Welcome to my Flower Chamber

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

There is a matriarchal tribe in China called the Masuo. They don’t believe in marriage and having babies in a relationship. They believe in flower chambers and love and desire. These women choose who gets invited to their flower chambers and who will give them their baby seed. They raise their children with the males in their immediate families and there is no need to either settle or settle down with anyone for any indefinite amount of time.

If I wasn’t before, I am now totally into cultural diversity. What a healthy outlook. Why limit yourself and stunt your spiritual growth by having to constantly work around the needs of another. Selfish, perhaps, but definitely healthy. Simple rules, simple pleasures and realistic expectations.

I have waited a long time for things in our relationship to get back to normal post baby. But, when normal has shifted, how long does one have to wait to find it again. When everything has changed, how does one ever go back to being the same?

Perhaps our individual priorities have shifted in such a way that we will never be the same individually and, therefore, never the same together.

Baby Reds

Sunday, August 12th, 2007

I missed three birthdays in one week. It’s not that I forgot about the birthdays, it’s that I forgot what week I was in. This was the point when I realised I might have post-natal depression.

This was not the baby blues – I wasn’t blue, I was red. I didn’t feel like crying, I felt like screaming; I didn’t feel like curling up in a ball under the covers, I felt like bolting and never looking back; I didn’t feel like driving fast, I felt like driving fast over a cliff. You get the picture – blue is too passive to be my colour. This is the reason so much red has found its way into my child’s wardrobe – it’s a matter of projecting.

My gynae became a colour victim too – I see red when I’m not getting my greens – for making all of this possible. I had tried blaming the baby, my husband, my hormones, my motherhood. It wasn’t working. The gynae, conditioned to field hormonal abuse, suggested I phone the PND (post-natal depression) Hotline. This hotline evidently mirrors its SLAs on the 911 switchboard – I left a desperate message but no one ever returned my call.

More shocking honesty

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007

It’s a sex thing

The few post-child-sex stories you hear revolve around a man’s rejection; his needs not being satisfied by the new woman in his life … the woman with engorged breasts that cannot be fondled, the woman who doesn’t put his needs first, the woman who is ratty, hormonal and with whom he is now expected to share his bed. I sympathise with this man, I really do.

But what about the man who uses this sympathy to convince himself that it’s OK to not want his wife. He wanted the child so desperately that there was bound to be an anti-climax … he sure didn’t buy into any of this. I actually sympathise with this man too.

There is so much at play here. But the bottom line is that the sex thing gets in the way of unraveling all the expectations and disappointments. I felt that all I wanted was sex and all my husband wanted was sex with someone else. The thing is, we both just wanted sex. The only difference was that my problem with sex was physical: my husband’s purely emotional.

Back in the saddle

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007

99.9% immune to another bout of pregnancy, I was back in the saddle.

Or so I thought …

You’re advised to hold off on sex until the six-week check-up. This is no short period when your sleep is constantly disturbed and weeks feel like months. And when you think you will never again be the owner of your breasts, let alone your body, you need your partner to flip you over and take you before you and your baby merge to become part of the same collective.

But things need to heal before you can ride again.

And so I waited. I waited until my gynae told me I was good to go. And once I was good to go, every spare moment was used to the max to wax and clip and preen and sheen. Leaving nothing to chance, I even pre-selected the perfect condom for my much-anticipated night of sordid sexcapades.

Nothing could have prepared me for what ensued. It was a complete non-event; only the tip of the condom got any action that night. I wanted to believe it was nerves or even the onset of frigidity … but the thing is, if you’re breast-feeding (and this is not meant to be an advert for formula-feeding), your hormones are the only things getting screwed and your ‘koek’ is as tight and dry as an 80-year-old’s.