When all my friends were encouraging their children to speak, I was telling mine to just keep quiet a while so I could think. It’s my own fault that he never shuts up because I was so bored with mothering that I used to talk to him constantly about anything from the colour of the sky to the latest Ponzi scam. It’s no surprise then that he speaks ALL the time … the only consolation of course it that he has a beautiful vocabulary and says things like: “I guarantee I will be asleep in ten minutes” and “Although I don’t like her, I will play with her anyway” and “Stop scaring the hell out of me” and “The government should just bring in the army” and “This Indian bread has so many layers, it is like a book” and “Actually, I would rather have the salmon sashimi with a side of rice and a soda water, please”.

But I just have to start complaining about something for him to let rip with f$£%ing, followed by said item’s name. Would I be just as proud of him if he said, “Look mama, doggie did a poopoo”? Doubt it. So I put up with all the jabbering and reach for the volume control when I can take no more.